Wednesday, November 14, 2007

thoughts while soaking feet

Last week I had a stimulating email exchange with H. I went for a job interview for a job I really wanted but didn't get. H emailed me to say it was the universe pushing me to do what I do. And I replied 'What is it that I'm supposed to be doing?'

She replied 'You are supposed to be telling stories, Just like I am'

and went on

'I haven’t been out of the apartment for nearly three weeks! That bit I didn’t realise until F pointed it out to me. Now you go out of the apartment. You have your artist dates and your meetings with friends but so much of that time is spent for others M? How much time do you actually spend on you? Thinking about what you want? Doing what you want to do? (sorry M this really is a bottle and a half of wine sort of email!). It just struck me though. The two of us are really good at advising other people as to what they should be doing with their lives. And our advice is good. It’s really good. But we never ever take it ourselves. Maybe because its too hard. Maybe because taking that advice means that we have to stand up and be counted. And we can justify not writing our books (me) or not making our films (you) because we need to pay the bills, because we need to be sensible and responsible and (at our age) debt free…'

And I really thought about it. About what I really want to do and have I given up on some of the things I wanted to do because really that last few years have been really hard. I don't write about it/didn't write about it but some times getting up, going to work, producing a meal is heroic and then doing it the next day and the next day. I also thought about the fact I've not admitted to myself I'm scared. I've had so many disappointments the last 5 years I don't want to put myself in the way of anymore. I'm not ashamed of that fact. We have our limits and there is no shame in protecting ourselves. But I wonder have I taken it too far?

Finally I'm sitting here in front of the TV immobilized as I've got my feet soaking in Dead Sea salts and warm water in a basin. Frida the cat is enjoying my stillness and I'm knitting. H & C both recommended this as a cure for ailing feet. I've got something which I suspect is incipient Psoriasis which itches like hell and I've been living with for a few months. This is proof by my body whatever my mind connives that I've been stressed the past few months.

Finally finally I think of a walk I had at the beach a week or two back. It was dark. I love walking on the beach in the dark, for a start its quiet and people free, and you can see the lighthouse signals in the Forth and the boat lights. Anyway I was incredibly irritated to see someone walking along the beach holding a torch, Now there are lights on the promenade, quite strong and you have to walk quite far away from them to get away from the light they cast. This annoying light bobbed up and down distracting myself from the joy of being in the night light. Of course if you take your own torch your eyes never adjust to the light levels at night and rather than giving you more light it makes the background even darker even more instinct and and frankly scarier.

Turn off the light look at what scares you and it might be less scary.

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