Thursday, December 14, 2006

A Cosmic Tantrum

Is helpful when things go completely pear shaped.

I've had a list as long as your arm of techical things not working, money 'issues', I've been dashing hither and thither doing work before the 'holidays', ground down by the dark and wet and wind. Mood not improved by receiving christmas cards from people bloasting of their immient move to 17th Century Tower houses * in the company of younger boyfriends in the new year, being escorted across the road by lollipop 'people' as if I was some kind of 3 year old with limited intellectual capacity. (I'm 38 years old, I may be on the short side but I've been able to reach up and press the crossing button for some years now).

So I really lost it yesterday. I mean really. And if the lollipop 'person' tries that again I'm off to the council.

This is a truly hideous time of year. No pratling about how you just 'love' Christmas. If you want to do that just bugger off to someonelse's blog. Every loss, every potenial loss, everything that is missing gone deleted absent thing from your life is highlighted with a huge cosmic highlighter pen. Thought you were doing ok - well shrieks the universe HA HA HA! We crawl towards the shortest day our nemises are waking up and dancing about in front of our eyes and as I wrote in an email to a friend I contemplate the ' grey dry graveyard that is my life'.

So what to do? I do not think that looking on 'the bright side of life' is the way to go. Indulge in the total shittiness of it all. Imagine becoming a hermit dressed in shapeless garments until mid January. Close the door, put on the anwering machine and INDULGE and revell in the dark side. Tell the fecking people who are annoying the hell out of you to bugger off.

THEN my friend you will feel better. Then you can imagine an outing to see a seasonal film with some friends you truly like. Then you can imagine sending a few cards, possibly even after christmas, then you can think about giving yourself the biggest fattest, most tasteless Christmas tree that was missing from your childhood, then you can go out and buy exactly what you want for Christmas, wrap it and and write 'To me love from me' on it.

Do this.

If you do it means that anything else you get is a bonus.

* A friend who formerly was in the 'heritage biz' assures me that she will have to fill out a form in triplicate if she ever wants to open a window - it cheered me up somewhat


Rh said...

It will also be freezing with minimal daylight !

Had gorgeous hot choc in Bruntsfield as part of my campaign against winter.

helena said...

That's the problem with christmas. We're all expected to be happy and jolly and smiley but the problem is that the happiness and jolliness and smileyness has been warped as if seen in a fairground mirror so that it bears no resemblance to true happiness or thankfulness as we know it but is only allowed to surface in the "accepted" forms, the secret santa's, office parties etc.

I hate Christmas. I always have. You're dead right when you say that it highlights all the loss - past, present and future. It does. You can blithely ignore this and join the crowds gaping at the mirror or you can have your own coping strategies for it.

We all need time to contemplate the darker side of life and it seems sensible to do so during the darkest days of the year. My way of dealing with Christmas is to go to Midnight Mass with my mum even though neither of us are religious. We weep our way through the whole two hours - great burning uncontrollable silent tears the sort that hurt so much you can feel them starting from your heart. It's my favourite part of Christmas. It might not be cheerful but at least it's real.

So if your coping strategy involves withdrawal from the world until mid-january, good for you! Enjoy it!