too much to post

dogs in camoflage coats

empire state all silvery by moon

yiddish labour posters in the Ellis island museum

tired feet

Sammys 'Romanian' restaurant

virtuous and vicious circles

An interesting blog post from 37 days

I have to say that I've made a conscious effort to move my focus on what was bringing me down all last year. There is a certain self punishing tendency that we should be able to cope with things and not have them bring us down to just move away out of the circle.

25 lessons about creativity via Jenny Vorvaller.

swallows know its time to head for summer climes when the leaves start to fall - temps must move when the postits fade

slow down now

I Always Get What I Let Myself Need

(this is from Molly Gordon's newsletter go to her website to sign up)

My name is Molly, and I'm recovering from terminal self-sufficiency.

One of my strategies for remaining self-sufficient is to manage my needs, especially my emotional needs. I can go for weeks or even months with a breaking heart and not know it. Believe me, that takes a lot of energy. In fact, I've been living that way for 15 months, and I'm exhausted.

The highlights of my heartbreak are in my blog, but what I want to share here is not the drama but the healing that came about because I finally let my myself feel broken.

I don't know about you, but feeling broken doesn't match my fantasy of success. On top of that, I know I am blessed in so many ways, that I sometimes feel that it would be wrong to feel broken. Between wanting to appear whole and feeling guilty, I fail to notice that feeling broken is not the same as being broken. Grief and fear are not terminal conditions, unless, perhaps, we resist them. "Falling apart" is not the end of the world, it is more likely to be a new beginning.

About six weeks ago some wise colleagues helped me see that I was utterly and completely worn out. As soon as I got it, relief and ease flooded in. When I stop striving to have more energy than I have, to be more evolved than I am, when I stop defining wisdom in terms of my high-flown thinking and listen to my heart, I discover (again) that the cracks I've been trying to hide are the way that Light gets in.

These days I'm taking things simply and easily. I sleep in often; I eat real food, and I'm learning to prepare it before I'm starving. Most of all, I'm not worrying about what I'm not doing right now. It's sort of eerie; the shadow of my preoccupation with "keeping it together" still hovers about me, yet I can no longer pretend that it's necessary. Keep what together? How?

Lately, I've been waking up with a profound sense of well being coupled with immense involuntary gratitude. As one of my wise colleagues said to me, the other half of "Let go" is "Let God."

I get what I am willing to notice that I need. How about you?

Free Range Librarian

excellent post on writing.

Keep on saving the Cameo

Just got an email from the campaign today. Cameo cards have been re-introduced. £25 per year for discounts on all films, free sunday matinees, free previews (I saw Good Night and Good Luck last week). Its an easy way to show your support if you live in Edinburgh.

Lighting Field NY photo blog - just getting warmed up

Getting ready

underwear tick!
hotel tick!
puzzling over maps tick!
notebook (I plan to do lots of writing in NY) tick!

Great website Muse to Muse (via 52 Projects) I do envy the layout.

have I mentioned this recently?

You are beautiful

14th of February Love Yourself Day

Promise to marry yourself and never leave yourself.
Buy yourself flowers.
Buy your own chocolates (perferably truffles from Plasir Du Chocolat)
Do what you wanna do don't wait until you have someone to go with whether to the shops, cinema, theatre, or the Trans Siberian Express (and if you do end up with a partner who doesnt want to go on the Trans Siberian Express and you do for heavens sake GO alone if needs be)
Write a to do list - burn it make instead a list of your deepest desires and keep it close much worse to forget them than renewing the insurance.
Promise yourself to not to agree to social activities you don't want to do. Make inventive excuses if you can't just say no. If you still can't say no investing in an assertiveness training course probably will be more help to you than a box of chocolates anyway.
Adorn yourself with clothes that you love not just made do with.
Have a massage if you've never had one.
Invest in all your relationships, yes phone/email/write your funny cousin, hell send your friends valentines.
Take the day off, leave work early, sit in a cafe with a coffee and watch the world go by.


add your own in comments please

more guerilla gardening reports...

Stop managing problems solve them. Great article from the New Yorker and as I read it realised it can be applied to so many other things.

'The only way to find your true self is by recklessness and freedom' Brenda Ueland

great quote from Keri Smith.

I did leave the house

and was rewarded by seeing a rainbow over Leith.

I had lunch at my favourite cafe, read Saturday newspaper supplments and picked up a present for a friend's baby ( a year late) bought chocolate truffles and chicken to make my favourite meal of roast chicken and potatoes.

Today I walked on the beach, there was mist on the water and hard to see where it ended and the horizon began, I did errands, bought my NY underwear and came home and fell asleep. The truth is I'm very tired, I don't want to do anything on my to do list, tidy, wash up, clean, dozing while listening to Radio 4 is about it for me.

I have enormous difficulty in admitting how I really feel instead I want to layer on what I ought to feel. Ie I had a lazy day yesterday to today I 'should' be raring to go. Accepting how I am right now is very hard. I'm now scrolling through the week thinking of what I need to achieve when for certain deadlines and frankly it makes me feel even worse! Hopefully I'll be able to do all I need to do tomorrow night. Tonight. I'm going to watch Miss Marple and eat left over chicken and talk to cats. I think I'm lacking in noodling time. Swathes of time to just be. I've been rushing and rushing from work to social appointments for months now and its just all catching up with me.

just leave the house

Lets be honest I'm not feeling too good this morning. Someone called and the second before I answered the phone my nose started to bleed. Last night I came home from work and nodded off at 9pm. I'm out of sorts, sluggish and awfully cross. The person who I spoke to on the phone did not improve my mood by suggesting that I should settle for less in my life, take up the job I do at the moment permanently, urgh ! let me stamp my foot right now! stamp stamp!

I am worth more than this. Each time I have in my life investing in myself worth which sounds a bit drippy but by that mean mentally leap up yell 'NO' and positively affirm that I am worth more I deserve more and put limits on what I will not accept things have changed I have got more I have been rewarded. Ironically I do have a better job starting in June one which I'm not only paid much more but get an assistant but no to settle and get a job one loathes but is more pemanent by 6 months is supposed to be superior.

I challenge you to set limits say beyond which you will not put up with. I've put in a mental time limit on my current job. Scheduled in a sabattical between jobs so I can pick up on my life. I've firmly given myself a break from a friend who drags down myself worth on a regualar basis. A friend of mine was doing a part time job where the woman disrespected her by not paying her for all the hours she put in amongst other things she has left it and I'm sure that this will give space for something better to enter in its place.

Now I'm leaving the house I'm going to have a late lunch, journal in a cafe, buy underwear for my upcoming trip (I can't go to NY with out new knickers!) and lose this mood.

Jenny Vorwaller's Creative Cues

Something that I have noticed about other artists I admire is how their creativity seems to take cues from their everyday life. If you are feeling humdrum lately, try enriching your way of living as much as possible by taking risks. Making changes is one of the best ways to be inspired. When you make an effort to do something different, you will be amazed at how these new things cross over into your work and fuels your life in return. Here are just some examples of things that keep my life interesting.

~Write everyday in a journal, blog or to a penpal. Writing keeps me aware of what I believe and what I want to change and recording my thoughts helps me understand who I want to be. I am always so impressed at what I find in my old journals. I see how all of my hopes and fears have changed, what I have conquered. Putting all of my abtract notions into words is the best way that I solve problems. Writing letters to people who have hurt me and then never sending them is a good way for me to learn to forgive. Making lists of projects is a good way to spark excitement. Carry something to write with with you everywhere and see what happens.

~Visit a gallery or museum often. Don’t forget to bring the essentials to allow the most pleasure from your day adventure: camera (no flash), sketchbook, snacks (not around the art), and your time. I try to make a few trips a month to local museums and then in between, find little galleries. You could also do your own searches of different artists online and bookmark your favorites, but it’s just not the same when you see works in real life. There are usually free days and even fun events that help you socialize with like-minded artists.

~Try a new style. If you always wear your hair a certain way, try cutting, coloring, growing out, putting it up or down. If you find a lot of basic black in your wardrobe, go to the thrift store (low financial commitment here) and find a funky frock or something that you think is flattering but that you wouldn’t normally choose. Carry a backpack? Celebrate being a girl and seek out a pretty handbag or tote. Look on ebay for something vintage. If you don’t have any spare change, sell some of that boring or old stuff in your closet and then go for it. Wear flats instead of heels. Or better yet, find some shoes in a different color. The thing to learn here is that it’s just hair, fabric, accessories, play and see how you feel! You are not your appearance, but people react to what they see in it. Do you like what you see? Are you reflecting who you really are? Try it, who knows, you might love it.

~Visit a Flea Market or Antique Mall. When I was first married, we lived near a dozen or so antique malls in florida. I had a favorite that was within walking distance of our house. Even on days where I didn’t find anything, I would always leave dizzy with all of the things I saw. Treasure from other times can be humorous, gaudy, and beautiful. Treasure hunting forces me to be selective, and helps me learn about the crafts and collectibles from different eras. When we go back to visit florida, I still try to fit in a visit to that favorite spot.

~Get a crush on an unknown (to you) artist. Read about them, study them, find out what they did that caused them to produce so many fascinating works. What appeals to you from their life? Maybe you could adopt some of the same things. Minerva Teichert used to set the clock ahead so she could send her five children to bed a little earlier, and she would then paint until midnight after they were tucked in. Julia Cameron writes three pages, longhand and stream-of consciousness, first thing in the morning to overcome obstacles that stops her from becoming her most creative self. Go to the library, pick a book or biography and see what you can find.

~Play with a child. Max and I build blanket forts, make cardboard houses, draw on the sidewalk with chalk, swing at the park, watercolor paint, collage, and cook together. I used to struggle with having to wait until he was asleep or occupied to do my own projects or paintings that he couldn’t be around (paint fumes, scissors, knives you get the picture.) But I am finding out more and more things that I can introduce to him. We have creative fun together.

~Turn off the tv as long as you can. Trust me, you won’t miss it.

~Find or listen to a different genre of music than you normally would. This always gets me motivated to go in a new direction, especially when I play a new playlist while I am painting or sketching. There is a world of sound out there waiting to be serenading your work. Pop onto itunes and see what you can find in the jazz, rap or folk section. Listening to the same old thing can be like having the same thing for dinner every night, which brings me to the next thing.

~Find new recipes to try. My favorite is anything mostly vegetarian and ethnic. I have recently fallen in love with indian dishes. It’s easy as pie to look online for something different, and the library is again a super resource. Or be really brave and make up your own. Start with a stir-fry with your favorite vegetables and noodles and make your own sauce. Grow your own herbs, throw out all the junk food and refined sugar, chemicals and preservatives in your kitchen. Food tastes much better when it’s just food and not all the extras, and you feel better in return. Invinsible health leads to better inspiration!

~Moving, getting outside to play or do yardwork, doing some yoga, going for a walk are ways that increase my creativity. Exercise is a great way of clearing my mind so that creative solutions can flow more freely.

~Rearrange, paint or change the look of a room you live in. This can do a lot if you are as sensitive to your surroundings as I am. Try moving your furniture to different rooms or just spots in a room, see what happens. New colors mean new environments. Sometimes you can find oops! paint for a few bucks at the hardware store and it’s just what you need to feel at home and make your place personal.

From True Nature

(the linking thing on blogger appears not to work so do google for her blog)

let's consider psychologist Carl Jung's words: "People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul." Do you fit that description? Have you ever employed tortured logic to explain to yourself why you're not following your heart's promptings? In the past year, did you take a detour that has led you further and further away from your true home? Are you engaging in evasive measures in order to keep yourself from seeing the open secret about love that's right in front of you? I'm just asking, Virgo, not accusing. Only you know the correct answers.

ouch ! from freewill astrology

doing the easy thing

interesting blog about this at Superhero. I've been struggling to do something which has been very hard. As a friend put it succintly a square peg in a round hole. Time to stop. I've given myself an end date. I'm hoping that by giving myself some 'space' then something better can fill it - something which has flow.

I've had an increase in synchronicity already. Many anxious people told me to go and get travel insurance for my upcoming trip. I had to find a credit card to pay for it and as I was opening up envelopes to find it I found ANOTHER tax refund. Thank you !

I have a tulip eating cat

she prefers the red ones.

Am ill again - third time in a row. I think my body is telling me something about my job and it isn't complimentary.

Off to bed with hotwater bottle, chocolate and Ian Rankin (book).

What to say...

January has been so busy and up and down. One minute I've been in full grieving mode for a creative project that looked dead in the water (actually a whole weekend). I was practiceing putting myself together and reminding myself 'I am not my projects, my projects are not me, I am worthy without them'. Finding out how much Abba compliation CD's help the process - have you heard the lyrics?
What's the name of game?
Does it mean anything?
You can change your mind.
Take a chance on me - thats all I ask.
and of course

I had a dream - a song to sing...
very appropriate to a frustrated creative!

I got myself back on my feet - then got a phonecall from NY saying another film of mine is being shown at the Red Shift Festival. So I've been dashing about trying to get things sent off for that. I got a mysteriously large amount of money credited to my account (turns out to be a tax refund) which I'm squandering on a ticket to NY - I've always wanted to go. If anyone still reads this blog and has stayed in a nice hostel in NY and can let me know the address I'd be very grateful.

Then I got feedback on the application for the dead-in-the-water project. Turns out they thought it too long 'no problem'! and advise us to apply again (which producer and I thought we couldn't) so that's back as a possibility.

Work for money has been crazy... I've got new people to 'look after'.

Hummm what else...wish we could have parades and cards for just keeping going in life. It amazes me what a struggle it is. Not just the dealing with the big stuff derailed projects, but the blocked sink, producing decent food from scratch, exercising.

I took out my camera this morning and took photos of the mist on the park time to breathe be here now. I took photos on the hell commute in as well. Not enough photos of commuters taken.

Also saw many good films recently Jarhead twice - excellent and much better than Sam Mendes other films. I've ordered the book from the library.

Cock & Bull Story - great fun and excrciatingly funny for anyone whose spent time on a film set.

Brokeback Mountain - usually when a film gets rave reviews I go and am highly disappointed this exceeded expectations. Not a note out of place. I'm going again to see if it was as good as I remember it.