I Always Get What I Let Myself Need

(this is from Molly Gordon's newsletter go to her website to sign up)

My name is Molly, and I'm recovering from terminal self-sufficiency.

One of my strategies for remaining self-sufficient is to manage my needs, especially my emotional needs. I can go for weeks or even months with a breaking heart and not know it. Believe me, that takes a lot of energy. In fact, I've been living that way for 15 months, and I'm exhausted.

The highlights of my heartbreak are in my blog, but what I want to share here is not the drama but the healing that came about because I finally let my myself feel broken.

I don't know about you, but feeling broken doesn't match my fantasy of success. On top of that, I know I am blessed in so many ways, that I sometimes feel that it would be wrong to feel broken. Between wanting to appear whole and feeling guilty, I fail to notice that feeling broken is not the same as being broken. Grief and fear are not terminal conditions, unless, perhaps, we resist them. "Falling apart" is not the end of the world, it is more likely to be a new beginning.

About six weeks ago some wise colleagues helped me see that I was utterly and completely worn out. As soon as I got it, relief and ease flooded in. When I stop striving to have more energy than I have, to be more evolved than I am, when I stop defining wisdom in terms of my high-flown thinking and listen to my heart, I discover (again) that the cracks I've been trying to hide are the way that Light gets in.

These days I'm taking things simply and easily. I sleep in often; I eat real food, and I'm learning to prepare it before I'm starving. Most of all, I'm not worrying about what I'm not doing right now. It's sort of eerie; the shadow of my preoccupation with "keeping it together" still hovers about me, yet I can no longer pretend that it's necessary. Keep what together? How?

Lately, I've been waking up with a profound sense of well being coupled with immense involuntary gratitude. As one of my wise colleagues said to me, the other half of "Let go" is "Let God."

I get what I am willing to notice that I need. How about you?